wikialityfandomcom-20200214-history
Breaking News
Wikiality.com is dedicated to bringing news to the internets tubes. We like our news fresh and truthy, which is why we have introduced this page dedicated to bringing the most fresh and truthy news to all the tubes of the internets! See Also: :News Photos Bear Watchers Breaking News Archive Stephen Colbert displays Captain America's Shield on TV Political pundit now in posession of legendary weapon Following up on yesterday's story reporting that Captain America's shield was missing, we've learned that Cap's shield has resurfaced and is now in the hands of Stephen Colbert, host of Comedy Central's "The Colbert Report." Colbert... received a letter from Marvel EIC Joe Quesada, presenting the shield to the late night talk show host. Quesada's letter states that Steve Rogers bequeathed the shield to Colbert in his Will, which was read last Friday. After reading the letter, Colbert's staff brought out the shield and the bespectacled host hefted the legendary weapon, stating, "Cap? I hope I make you proud." Full story ### Captain America's Shield Missing Unbreakable symbol of freedom and heroism has disappeared Details are sketchy at this time, but a S.H.I.E.L.D. spokesperson has revealed that Captain America's shield has gone missing. It's unclear who has taken the shield as no photographic evidence exists, but S.H.I.E.L.D. has issued an artistic rendering of the accused along with this statement. "S.H.I.E.L.D. is following several leads and we are working with the cooperation of New York City authorities to resolve this matter." Un-named sources have spotted several S.H.I.E.L.D agents in and around television studios owned by Comedy Central. Full story Apparently Joe Quesada didn't invite the guys from S.H.I.E.L.D. to the reading of the will. ### Congressman Admits to Killing Puppies, Molesting Children and Worshipping Satan! FREMONT, CALIFORNIA, March 13, 2007-- It was inevitable, America was even warned, but no one expected that it would happen during The Greatest President Ever's lifetime, much less during his term. Many believe The Dark Prince's Handmaiden was behind it. Others say it is proof of the coming End Times. And now it has finally come at the dawn of a new century; Satan has finally infiltrated America's congress in the form of Pete Stark, a democrat from Cauliflower, naturally. "There is no such thing as The Baby Jesus," Mr. Stark told Wikiality.com between bites into the remains of an aborted child of America, "I believe the church and state should be two seperate entitites and I believe that global warming exists." Lindsay Graham, a senator from South Carolina interjected himself into the email interview to inform Wikiality.com that the Ghost of Strom Thurmond told him to begin secession proceedings to that South Carolina would not be tainted by such hate. Mr. Graham continued, "I say, I say, I never in my life been witness to such outrageous hatred and, and anti-American sentiments. It just figures a democrat from Californicator would support a person like this to best represent them." An unnamed Diebold representative entered what was quickly turning into a chatroom to remind America, "if we had anything to do with that election, America would still be atheist-free." ### Cheney's Doctor Orders Him To Rest DUBAI, UNITED ARAB EMIRATES, March 11, 2007-- After finding a deep vein thrombosis in an undisclosed location in one of the Vice President's ample thighs, a doctor who treated Dick Cheney has demanded that he slow down with all his hard work and take some rest in a warm, dry climate. In an unprecedented display of generosity, Halliburton, a company the Vice President once worked for while in college, has offered to build him a special residence in the seaside resort town of Dubai. "Mr. Cheney is, was one of our best employees," said an unnamed Halliburton executive, "and this is the least we could do, now that he has become Vice President. We are so proud of him!" Arizona Senator and Presidential candidate, John McCain eagerly spoke on the Vice President's behalf, "It is my fondest wish to see Mr. Cheney in good health and safe from the current events in Washington, D.C., which may prove to be too taxing for his frail, yet bountiful heart." Choking back tears, Mr. McCain continued, "he has carried so many burdens for his country and he has earned and deserves this rest. Godspeed, Mr. Cheney, Godspeed, my dear friend..." Mr. McCain ahd to be taken away as he sobbed uncontrollably at the thought of his friend and mentor, Mr. Dick Cheney may have to retire if his doctor doesn't release him from this prescribed medical exile. Wikiality.com would like to extend our sincerest condolences to Dick, Lynne, their normal daughter and their lesbo daughter at this, their time of transition. ### FOX Removes John Edwards From Debate LAS VEGAS, NEVADA, March 10, 2007-- After offering him a debate, where he could basically choose his own rules, Fox News was forced to remove former North Carolina Senator and Democrat Presidential candidate, John Edwards from the event, which was to be held in Las Vegas on August 14, 2007. "He was just getting unreasonable," Roger Ailes, Grand Wizard for Das Fox News Stassi, told Wikiality.com during an interview Sunday, "we basically offered him whatever he wanted to get him to commit, but apparently, his people aren't able to be in committed relationships of any kind." Wikiality.com got an exculsive look at the debate parameters Fox News offered Mr. Edwards, which included: # the date of his choosing # opponents to debate of his choosing # allowing him to choose which of his opponents must debate nude and without a podium # 3 bowls full of green M 'n M brand candies # 72 virgins Many pundits were aghast at Mr. Edwards treatment of the diminutive Mr. Ailes, and rallied to his defense: "Mr. Ailes is no fag," an unnamed employee of Mr. Ailes' said, "and he shouldn't have to put up with the unreasonable demands of a bunch of negro-loving, women like the Democrats." No word yet as to a new date, but Fox News vows not to be so thoughtful and giving next time they make such a magnanimous offer to any liberal ever again. ### Steve Forbes Declares "U.S. Ecomony Is Just Fine" RIYADH, KINGDOM OF SAUDI ARABIA, March 9, 2007-- Former Republican Presidential candidate and billionaire publisher Steve Forbes announced today that the number of billionaires in the world is nearing 1,000! Thus proving without a doubt how well the U.S. economy is doing! "Never in history has there been such an advance," Mr. Forbes shouted above the sound only flushing golden toilets can make. As topless servants fanned him with palm fronds, Mr. Forbes continued, "This boom goes beyond commodities. Working people are not spending their retirement on healthcare, there once was a time when half of all personal bankruptcies filed in 2001 by Americans resulted from people being unable to pay their medical bills, but no more, this is the richest year in human history! Suck on that, Nancy Pelosi, we don't need your socialist laws! ### "All American Week" Cancelled, "All Iraq Week" To Be Celebrated Instead The Troops of North Carolina's Fort Bragg will not be celebrating All American Week this year, because too few of them are currently in America. "All American Week" is an annual tradition for the 82nd Airborne Division, which spends the week before Memorial Day celebrating all that is good about America. This year, however, the celebration has been cancelled since most of the 17,000 paratroopers who would otherwise be celebrating will be deployed in Iraq and Afghanistan. In honor of this happy circumstance, Fort Bragg officials are suggesting replacing the "All American Week" celebration with new "All Iraq Week" and "All Afghanistan Day" parties for the paratroopers. In unrelated news, six paratroopers from the 82nd Division were killed on Monday and four more were wounded when a bomb exploded near their patrol vehicles. A spokesman for U.S. forces in Iraq said, "Our hearts go out to their families. These losses have only strengthened our resolve to continue freedom fighting the terrorists here, rather than at home. And at least they won't be missing the party." Scooter Libby Receives Pardon! WASHINGTON D.C., AMERICA! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!-- After nine days of deliberation a jury of his peers found that Mr. Libby has qualified for a pardon. Lawyers for both sides were satisfied by the jury's decision and Wikiality.com reporters are notifying the home office that plans for a riot to protest possible "guilty" verdicts (and not the verdict of "pardon") have been called off. Gardeners, housekeepers and nannies from Houston, Texas to Stamford, Connecticut have all been allowed to go back to their regular duties. ### Cherokee Council Bans Writer From Nation OKLAHOMA CITY, OKLAHOMA, March 3, 2007-- The Leaders of the Cherokee Nation voted this past weekend to remove Debra Dickerson from their tribal rolls, asking her to stop refering to herself as an African-Cherokee-Freedman-Descendant-American. An unnamed member of the Descendants of Freedmen of the Five Civilized Tribes, told Wikiality.com this afternoon in a special smoke-signal conference call. "We weren't sure if she was even a member, but we voted to kick her out just in case. Members of our nation pointed to her performance on "The Colbert Report" as the reason she was kicked out," the DFFCT member continued, "And we expect a call from her lawyer come Monday to challenge the election results." The tribe is also expected to vote on the definitions of "descendant" and "election". The leader of the Nation Council, Chief Dances with Focus Groups, tried to explain to Wikiality.com exactly what a "Cherokee-American" is: "A Cherokee is a person whose ancestors were Native-Americans listed by blood on the Dawes Rolls." When asked to explain what a "Native-American" was, the Chief said: "A Native-American is a person whose ancestors are the indigenous or original inhabitants of the Americas prior to European arrival." When asked to explain what "original" means, the Chief said: "An originalist is a person whose ancestors owned land and believed in the fixed and knowable meaning of a word or phrase (or Constitution) at the time of creation." Wikiality.com contracted vertigo and remains confused. ### WE DID IT!! CYBERSPACE, THE INTERNETS, March 3, 2007 – Great news, heroes! Just a day after Stephen Colbert asked The Nation to make his speech at the 2006 White House Correspondents' Association Dinner the #1 audiobook on iTunes, the charts at the iTunes Store show exactly that. Barack Obama's The Audacity of Hope is still stuck at #6. EAT IT OBAMA! UPDATE: As of March 5th, 2007, Stephen's audiobook remains #1. UPDATE 2: As of March 6th, 2007, Stephen's Audiobook has fallen to #2, just behind the hippie-dippie psychobabble of The Secret - let's get it back to #1 Nation! ### Hippies Award Dr. Colbert ASPEN, COLORADO, March 3, 2007-- The hippies who couldn't hitch a ride back to their "off the grid" commune after Sundance gave Stephen an award. He may be as pleased with it as he was when The Gays gave him one. Why is everyone trying to ride Stephen's coattails? For the "filtered" story, please click here. ### Alberto Gonzales Investigating Schwarzenegger SACRAMENTO, CAULIFLOWER, March 3, 2007-- The Attorney General of the United States, Alberto Gonzales, announced today that the Justice Department has been investigating sexual abuse and exploitation of children in Sacramento. Wikiality.com immediately knew that meant Arnold Schwarzenegger was groping someone. Doing a bit of investigative work ourselves, hundreds of Wikiality.com staffers, editors, and volunteers scoured the internets tubes looking for the slightest confirmation of what we already knew to be true. And after googling "Attorney General Gonzales Highlights Department Efforts to Combat Sexual Abuse and Exploitation of Children in Sacramento" a story detailing "the sexual abuse and exploitation of Children in Sacramento" popped up. "The sexual abuse and exploitation of children in Sacramento"!!! It says it all right there! What else does anyone need! None of the hundreds of Wikiality.com staffers, editors, or volunteers can get around the parent block on their computers to view (or confirm) the story, but we just know Schwarzenegger is involved, and that's all that really matters, isn't it? ### Great Republican Philanthropist To Give Away $50,000! ST. LOUIS, MISSOURI, February 28, 2007-- Sam Fox, the great St. Louis businessman and owner and founder of Harbour Group, has offered $50,000 to anyone who asks. In sworn testimony before the United States Senate, Mr. Fox admitted to giving away cash to anyone who asks: "...when I'm asked I just generally give..." Wikiality.com was promised by an unnamed Harbour Group spokesman that any and all who ask will be given whatever sum they need, in increments of $50,000. Harbour Group's address is: Harbour Group 7701 Forsyth Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63105 Interested parties are asked to send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to the above address and Mr. Fox will simply cut a check for whatever amount they need. And, because Mr. Fox is such a giving man, if you are too modest to ask for yourself, he has promised to send money to proxy accounts or Swiss Bank accounts too. If you have any questions, you are welcomed to call Harbour Group directly at (314) 727-5550. ### American Celebrity Fined for Shooting Bear While Protecting His All-American Family DULUTH, MINNESOTA, February 28, 2007-- Americans are aghast at Nancy Pelosi interfering with a local matter conerning a family man protecting his loved ones from a vicious bear attack. Wikiality.com learned today that Troy Lee Gentry, the "top" in the duo "Montgomery Gentry", has been fined $1.5-million and sentenced to 6 months in prison. Mr. Gentry's National Hunting License, which allows him to hunt in every one of these United States, was also permanently revoked. NRA spokesman under probation, Jim Zumbo, took questions from the media. Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, aren't you in the doghouse with the NRA?" Mr. Zumbo: "Yes, but since I love them so much, I promised to do whatever I had to to get back in their good graces...(starts weeping) God I love them so much..." Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, you're holding a piece of paper, is that a prepared statement? I was under the impression you were going to take questions, not read some focus-group vetted talking points memo; which is it, we're at war." Mr. Zumbo: "I'm sorry, please forgive me...um...I wrote this myself, um and I'm going to read it first, then take questions...The NRA is a group of patriotic Americans who love the Constitution more than any commie-loving democratic...oops, democrat." Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, that sounds like the NRA wrote it. Mr. Zumbo: "Oh god! I'm sorry, they did write it, but I promised I would read whatever they wanted me to...um...let me finish...in conclusion, Nancy Pelosi eats children. I will now take your questions, yes, Wikiality.com..." Wikiality.com: "Mr. Zumbo, there are reports coming out that Mr. Gentry shot and killed a bear because it attacked his family.... Mr. Zumbo: "Yes? What was your question?" Wikiality.com: "No question, we just wanted to know when he was going to be released from prison and given the Medal of Freedom?" Mr. Zumbo then broke down in a fit of violent sobbing and taken away in a nondescript vehicle. Mr. Zumbo, the NRA contacted Wikiality.com and has this short message to pass along: "You still suck, loser." ### The Greatest First Black Secretary of State of the United States, Retired Four-Star General and Internationally-Renown Speaker to Address Consultants' Group SCOTTSDALE, ARIZONA, February 27, 2007-- Colon Powell has been chosen to be the keynote speaker for AMR Research's annual Supply Chain Executive Conference (scheduled for May 30-June 1, 2007). AMR Research, a consulting firm: "focused on the intersection of business processes with supply chain and enterprise technologies." AMR Research chose Mr. Powell for his outstanding advisory role for the administration of The Greatest President Ever: "Mr. Powell was instrumental in his role as advisor to the President. We applaud his streamlining the information that helped America to bring democracy to Iraq. In fact, if it wasn't for Mr. Powell's own enterprising intersectioning of the supply chain of oil in Iraq with the business processes and technologies of Halliburton, there woulod be no success in Iraq; it would most likely be a civil war." Wikiality.com would like to congratulate Mr. Powell on this second career and wish him as many successes as it takes to get that fifth star, shuck and jive, general, shuck and jive! ### Oscar Telecast Causes Lesbianism in Koalas PORPOISE SPIT, AUSTRALIA, February 26, 2007-- All-American families in Australia were shocked to see koala bears at a zoo engage in Lesbionic Sexual Activities immediately following Hollywood's Oscar awards ceremony hosted by Ellen DeGeneres. The family made sure to watch the debauchery for a full 3 hours to be sure their extensive handwritten notes and videotapes (complete with play-by-play narration) documented every moment as acurately as possible. The parents told Wikiality.com they will return for the next 10 days to see how long exposure to a lesbian lasts in the lesser beasts. "Obviously Hollywood doesn't care for the children," the unnamed female parent said through the other unnamed parent, "It's these kinds of things that really chaps my father's hide, and why he doesn't support my, excuse me, that lifestyle even if it is in his family...and I'm not saying he is related to bears, or that I am his lesbian daughetr, I'm just saying how fervently he holds onto his beliefs." Barney Frank refused to return Wikiality.com's repeated calls for his reaction to the story, even when we changed our voices and pretended to be Barbra Streisand. ### Renown Hunter Calls Ground Squirrels Terrorists UNDISCLOSED LOCATION, USA, February 26, 2007-- Jim Zumbo, the darling of America's manly hunting fraternity has declared an all-out war on ground squirrels. "Excuse me, maybe I'm a traditionalist, but I see no place for these ... among our hunting fraternity," Mr. Zumbo said in a smoke-signal msessage, presumably about the ground squirrels, "... I'll go so far as to call them 'terrorist ... s." Mr. Zumbo has been on the forefront of America's love of hunting using assault weapons, hosting a cable television news program that promotes them, a blog that encourages their use for hunting and getting into furious slapfights with hunters who do not use them. The only celebrity to speak to Wikiality.com, Tom Selleck, the first post-Heston NRA president, calls Mr. Zumbo, "a man whose 40 years with the NRA can just about let him get away with doing or saying anything; he is simply that dedicated to reasonable, rational gun ownership. And we at the NRA salute him for his patriotism, his shining lifestyle example and especially for his many, many years of membership." Wikiality.com called and left a message on Rosie O'Donnell's voicemail asking if she would let Prince Albert out of the can. We also called Michael Moore and told him he was fat before hanging up. LOL ### Bears Infiltrate Canada's Supreme Court OTTAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA, FEBRUARY 24, 2007-- Bears have infiltrated Canada's Supreme Court and drugged Canada's Supreme Court justices prior to the Court delivering a key decision on security certificates, which allow the Canadian government to hold terrorists without right to a hearing at the luxury terrorist resort Gitmo North. As a result of the drugging, the Supreme Court voted 9 - 0 yesterday to strike down security certificates as a violation of the Charter of Rights and Freedoms. Luckily, the drugs were not potent enough. The certificates will remain in effect for a year until the government can write stronger legislation. ### Prince Harry Being Exploited by Nancy Pelosi and Her Band of Filthy Liberals! WORCHESTERSHIRE-ON-HAVERSHIM, ENGLAND, February 23, 2007-- The deployment of Prince Harry has become a boon for bloodthirsty bleeding heart-types. Wikiality.com has learned that the plan is to have Prince Harry deployed to the Iran-Iraq border, placed in the line of fire in the hopes he will be killed or wounded, then to charge The Greatest President Ever for his murder and/or injuries! And get this: the liberals are forcing The Greatest President Ever to do this in the hopes he will not invade Iran! Everyone knows The Greatest President Ever has no plans to invade Iran! And even if he did want to invade Iran, he wouldn't have to go under such manufactured circumstances; a Prince wouldn't have to get killed to create a reason to stop a killer worse than Hitler! Wikiality.com shares the presidential mother/wife's sentiments and encourages all the internets citizens to ignore the idea that Prince Harry is being sent into the line of fire to get killed in order for the U.S. to invade Iran! Pretend you didn't read about Prince Harry being used as cannonfodder to expand a never-ending obscenely profitable regional war and never think of it again! ### Bears destroy the Colboard Bears have clogged up the tubes of The Internets. After Avery logged off and went home last Friday, bears fiendlishly attack the Colboard tubes. Now no one can acess the Colboard untill the tubes are fixed. Hopefully Avery brought tube-fixer. ### Lieberman Questioning Political Orientation WASHINGTON, D.C., February 22, 2007-- A spokesman for Connecticut Senator Joseph I. Lieberman announced today that the senator would be entering counseling to help him with issues relating to his political orientation. Recently reports about Mr. Lieberman's daliances with members of both parties have surfaced leading many to believe he might not be what he was elected as. Wikiality.com has learned that Mr. Lieberman was seen in a cloakroom with a Senator from Florida, whose party was not clear. The Senator's wife refused to return calls for a comment, but an unnamed Washington insider did tell Wikiality.com that Mr. Lieberman has entered a special facility to work with rabbis to deal with his wavering orientation, "Give him two weeks to come back to the real world; he ain't no fag" Wikiality.com will be following this story and update our readers as new details emerge. ### ---- Breaking News Archive